I’m quite over Disney. Their best movies are usually the ones that bombed at the box office. Probably the last one I liked at all was Lilo and Stitch, from over 20 years ago. But their movies for the last 10+ years are just regurgitations of older, better movies. So why would I go to Disneyworld? Well, my in-laws went on a vacation to England in April, and came back with my wife’s cousin Thomas who really wanted to see Disneyworld because it’s his first time in America. My mother-in-law also wanted my four year old son Jareth to go, and I needed to be there to help supervise him, as caring for him is a two person job (he’s autistic and has ADHD, and is nonverbal, also prone to running off suddenly). Tickets have ballooned to astronomical prices (for all four of us it cost $500, yikes), I would otherwise be way too poor to afford it, but my mother-in-law paid for us, so I don’t want to seem ungrateful, of course. But I plan on being honest about my thoughts during the trip. If nothing else at least it gave me something to write about, for which I’m grateful.
A Brief History of my trips to Disney parks
1991
This was to Disneyland, in Anaheim, California. I was five years old so I barely remember anything. But this was the only time I ever went during my childhood, which I somewhat resented later. But now I don’t care. All I remember is that a big part of the park was closed because they were building Toontown, and the castle being way smaller than I expected it to be. Even back then my brain focused on the negatives! Of note though is that we stayed with my paternal grandparents during this trip, and this is the only memory I have of meeting my grandfather Suren. Specifically I remember my grandmother Olga telling me to play chess with my grandfather, but I didn’t know how to play. He was a tall, mountain of a man in my eyes, a bit intimidating. A lot of people thought so too, so I’ve heard. Anyway, these memories are a lot more valuable to me than Disneyland.
2007
I remember this trip a lot better. It was Disneyland again, and I went in December so everything was Christmas themed. I was 21, and went with my then-girlfriend and some other friends. I paid my way with some money I won at a casino, actually. Another trip I had gone on with my parents months prior. Overall I enjoyed myself, at least at the time. The memory is tainted by how badly that relationship with said girlfriend ended, however. Pirates of the Caribbean, Indiana Jones and Haunted Mansion were my favorite rides.
2015
I had just moved to Florida, and it was a couple months before my big trip to Armenia. I went to Disneyworld with my future wife. Annnd it wasn’t that great (don’t tell my mother-in-law). Half the time was spent waiting in lines. We waited almost an hour to get on this one roller coaster, and when we got to the end of the line, the ride was shut down. I was so pissed. We went to the Magic Kingdom area, which I didn’t realize was very kid-oriented. I didn’t have a kid yet. So a lot of the rides were not that fun for adults. Rides that had equivalents in Disneyland such as Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion seemed shorter and less fun than their original counterparts. I guess I had high expectations for Disneyworld, having sat through enough ads for it in my lifetime. I felt lied to. Another adulthood disillusionment.
The 2023 Trip
So, with the 2015 trip still fresh in my mind, we left for Orlando. The trip would be different this time now that we had a kid. Another difference is that since 2015 I’ve developed chronic back and tailbone pain, and walking or standing for too long is excruciating. I was also worried about getting hurt on a ride. This along with my anti-capitalist ideology, distaste for modern Disney, and poor experience in 2015 were why I didn’t really want to go, but alas, I had to be a responsible parent. A few days prior we got disability passes so that our spot in line would be saved and I could go sit down somewhere. It works essentially like a “Lightning Pass” that you usually pay extra for, except you do have to abide by the wait time. So if the wait time is 45 minutes, you can walk around or sit and rest elsewhere until the time comes. We needed it even more for my son’s sake, as he gets very impatient while waiting and likely would not tolerate standing in line for more than 15 minutes. The rules were only one person in a group could get the disability pass, which I guess makes sense, we weren’t planning on splitting up. But it did get us into trouble at Haunted Mansion, as I’ll explain.
I took a bunch of painkillers in preparation for the trip, and we left. We got stuck in traffic on the way there, which is common on any given day on Highway 4, the most dangerous highway in the US. There was more than one crash on the side of the road. I got to expose our guest from England to Slow Danse with the Dead, which I’m not sure he was into, before putting on the more crowd-pleasing Alice in Chains Unplugged album. So few people share my unique musical tastes, alas.
So we get there, and the entrance is like going through an airport. And don’t think going on a weekday will make things not crowded. There were thousands of people. I still had that old “what if we get Covid” fear left over from 2020. I suppose it wasn’t impossible. But what could I do? I saw maybe one person with a mask. The security guards frisked us and put us through a metal detector, and then we were sardined into a line for the ferry boat to get there. We just missed the ferry boat and had to wait in the hot, punishing sun for the next one. Maybe we should have taken the monorail. But we only had to wait like 15 minutes, making me feel like a whiner even though I didn’t vocally express my discomfort. Easy now, we only just got here, plenty of time for crotchety old complaining later.
After we got off the ferry, there was a stupid sky-writing plane spelling out “Jesus loves you” in the sky, lowering my respect for Disney even further. They must have at least given permission for this. By the time they reached the end of the phrase the first part was illegible. Hey, if your deity is real, why did that happen? Reminds me of a quote which I will paraphrase; “If you leave the bible outside, it will be destroyed by the wind and the rain. My religion is the wind and the rain.” Anyway, it was kind of a nightmare getting in. We waited through three lines, the ferry line, the line to get into the park (Thomas wasn’t a member of our “group” apparently and that had to be rectified), and the line for the disability pass. So Disney thinks I’m disabled, maybe I’m not faking my pain and depression after all, you think? If only the government were as easy to convince.
So the day went as follows:
Entrance and Castle
We got my disability pass at the “City Hall”, in the main entrance area made up to look like a town from the 1890s. It meant I had to be on every ride for us all to get to benefit from it. We didn’t spend a lot of time in this area, which was mostly stores. But this was where I decided I couldn’t stand hearing Disney music all day and turned on my MP3 player.
The castle is like the Mecca of the Cult of Disney. It’s also classist symbolism. The worship of power, hierarchy and wealth. I will say it’s taller than the one at Disneyland, which I think even when I was 5 years old I was underwhelmed with.
Haunted Mansion
We brought my son Jareth on this ride. Poor kid was traumatized. I felt a bit guilty. I enjoyed it myself but he screamed the whole time. Thing is if we didn’t bring him then Deborah would have to not go on the ride, and not benefit from my disability pass, having to wait in line an hour or something. And we weren’t going to make Thomas watch Jareth and miss out on the ride. I mean I never found the ride scary myself, but then again I never went on it until I was 21 years old. And I kinda forgot about how scary it actually would be to a kid.
I also kept thinking about how there’s apparently a big problem with people bringing their loved ones ashes and spilling them on the ride somewhere. Anyway, I didn’t really get to enjoy it as much as I could have.
Merry Go Round
We went here basically as an apology to Jareth. He finally started to enjoy himself on this. I had to sit in such a way that I was putting my weight on my thigh and not my tailbone. It wasn’t comfortable. Those horses are rock hard.
PhilharMagic
This is more of a show that you watch in a theater with 3D glasses than a ride, full of computerized versions of famous Disney Acid Sequences. You could feel air jets blow at you and pick up smells that went with whatever scene was on. I wished I were high for this. Would have been quite amazing. Anyway, it was a bit cringey honestly, but I liked that I could sit down and it was air conditioned. I didn’t really like air being sprayed in my face though, reminded me of that machine you put your face against at the eye doctors that shoots air into your open eye.
Lunch
Seating areas are hard to come by. But we found a slightly shady spot along the path and sat on the curb to eat the sandwiches we bought at Publix that morning. I’m not spending $50 to buy a meal at Disneyworld.
Tea Cups
It’s not truly a day at Disneyworld until the ride you’re standing in line for breaks down. Fortunately it wasn’t for long. But waiting in line for it twice did suck a bit.
Winnie The Pooh
I don’t care at all for Winnie the Pooh, other than Eyeore being relatable. But it was for Jareth. And at least I got to sit down and the air was cool. It’s almost like the Haunted Mansion for toddlers, that’s how I would describe the ride.
Tea Cups
They were operational again after we got off the Winnie the Pooh ride. I got very dizzy. Jareth was happy though.
Walking around in the Severe Heat While Waiting For Our Turn on The Mine Cart Ride
At least we weren’t standing in line, that would have been much worse. We used my pass to book the ride ahead of time, but it was a pretty long wait time. This was when my back pain really started to catch up with me. And it was very, very hot. By this time Jareth had fallen asleep, which was just as well because now we could go on the more adult rides. As adult as Magic Kingdom gets anyway. We probably should have waited until this point to do the Haunted Mansion, but it’s not like we knew he was going to fall asleep. We took a walk through Tomorrowland (to be more accurate it should have either been underwater or a smoldering radioactive crater, rather than the empty promises capitalism made about the future in the 1950s), back around and through the castle, and eventually back to the ride itself. This killed enough time. But yeah, I was hurting.
The Snow White Mine Cart Ride
My favorite part of this was the part of the line that went into a mine tunnel, because it was dark and the air was cool. The ride itself was fine. Short, not anything spectacular, but the only proper roller coaster I would be on during this trip. This was the ride that I had waited in line for an hour only to have it break down during my 2015 trip, as I recall. At least I got on it this time. I was kind of afraid I would hurt my back on the ride, but luckily I didn’t.
Walking Around Waiting for Pirates of the Caribbean
I was still hurting, but we did find a table to sit at eventually. It was starting to get later and we were thinking of leaving soon. But it would have been a pity to leave without going on Pirates of the Caribbean. So we booked it ahead of time. The wait was 45 minutes or so. We traveled through Frontier Land. I got to see the former Splash Mountain being remodeled. The tears of racist conservatives were delicious when it was announced they were getting rid of the Song of the South references on the ride.
Pirates of the Caribbean
The only Disney ride that ever had a decent spinoff movie. I won’t say that about the sequels, but I liked the first film. As I said before, it’s shorter than the Disneyland version, with only one dropping point. But it’s still fun. My MP3 player started playing some Cradle of Filth, and it paired with the ride quite nicely. And of course, it had cool air and somewhere to sit. The minimum requirement for a ride to be enjoyable to me.
Leaving
Jareth woke up while I was on the ride; Deborah had stayed with him outside. We decided it had been a full day and we had been on pretty much the best rides. It was about 6pm at this point. We weren’t bothered about staying until the park closed and seeing the fireworks and electric parade really, I’ve been there done that.
I may have been in pain, but I felt accomplished for having made it through the day. At least I got to see my son happy. I wonder how much he will remember about it, if anything. Anyway, I think I enjoyed myself a bit more than I did in 2015, maybe because my expectations were lower and more realistic, maybe because I didn’t have to stand in line for an hour each time (and have the ride break down), and maybe because I had Jareth with me.
