Five VHS Tapes From The Vaults

             I don’t even know how many VHS tapes I own. I should do a count sometime. It’s an addiction. I’ll end up in a  thrift store, and they’re being given away for 50 cents or less, and I just can’t stop myself. I mean just have a look at my last thrift store haul, all for four dollars.

How can I say no? I got The Dark Crystal, some unopened blanks, a documentary about the Incas, a bunch of blank audio cassettes, and some candle-making stuff for the business my wife and I are trying to get off the ground. The only thing stopping me is space. Anyway, you’ll find some rare stuff on VHS. Not everything made it to DVD, and some things that did make it to DVD got butchered in the process (*coughStar Warscough*). Sure, you can stream these days, I do that too. But you’re not going to find the rare stuff on Netflix. Nor almost any movie from before the 1980’s or so. And who knows when the movie is going to be taken off the streaming service for whatever reason (it’ll be right before you decide to watch it after it’s been on your watchlist for a year, that’s when). If you have a physical copy, the corporations can’t take it from you. They can’t butcher it with stupid CG or censor it either. It is what it is. There’s almost something subversive about collecting VHS tapes these days. If you look at the history of the format wars, corporations like Disney and Warner Bros. absolutely hated VHS, and only begrudgingly gave in and released their movies on it. It took control of media away from the corporations and put it in the hands of the people. The corporations, when introducing DVD in the early 2000’s, did a huge smear campaign against VHS, while ensuring the new format they were all agreeing on couldn’t record off the TV and was able to have unskippable ads. People bought into it, and that’s why VHS tapes are worthless now. Which I suppose benefits poor fools like me.

            Probably also helps that I don’t mind bad picture quality as long as I can still tell what’s going on. My eyesight has always been terrible, so maybe that’s why.

            Anyway, I’ve collected some rare tapes over the years, and made some cool bootlegs too. Of course, a rare VHS tape is still worth a dollar at most. It’s just a fun thing to have. Here are five of them. I’ll show you all five more next time I decide to do another blog entry about them, eh? Sounds fun.

1.  The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Despite the bogus internet rumors you might have heard, Disney VHS tapes in clamshell cases are still pretty worthless, even the “black diamond” ones. Money-wise they’re worthless, anyway. Sentimental-wise, they’re worth way more than 50 cents! But check this out, because this is no ordinary find. I saw this in the thrift store, and not only was it still sealed, but someone taped the receipt to it! Who would spend $16.99 on a video tape, attach the receipt to the front, and never open it for 22 years? What am I going to find inside when I do open it? I haven’t done it yet. But if enough people ask me to, I’ll do a blog about opening it. If no one asks me to, maybe I’ll still do it someday. I had a sealed copy of Beauty and the Beast that I ended up opening. It was like a little time capsule, all kinds of coupons and a little Disney catalog inside. But that’s for another blog post. As for the film itself, I would say it was one of the best Disney movies, except for one major flaw: those damned gargoyles. Specifically, the Jason Alexander one. Gods I hate that character. Most marketable comedy relief characters are annoying, but he’s one of the worst. Always there to ruin serious moments with fart jokes. The only one worse than him is the damned snowman from Frozen. But we musn’t speak of him.  Anyway, I wonder if I could take this tape back to Publix and try to get the $16.99 back. That would be the smartest financial decision I could make in this situation, since the tape has basically no resale value. People think Disney + is a viable alternative to physical media. Wonder what their return policy is. Would I still be able to return something purchased in 1997?

2.    A Blockbuster Video case

Ah Blockbuster. Like most people born in the late 20^th century, I have fond memories of the place. Even though I liked Hollywood Video better. I never quite forgave them for discontinuing carrying Sega Genesis games back in 1998 or so. But now that they’re gone, I miss the store. Like many of my generation, I remember browsing through, picking out movies based on how cool the cover looked, getting popcorn and sour straws with my rental. Like I said before and something I think people forget about is they rented out video games too, and I would rent games pretty often. But this is a blast from the past, isn’t it? Too bad when I bought this, the tape inside, a copy of Monster’s Ball, had mold on it. And if you know anything about that, you know that if you put a moldy tape in your VCR you’re basically injecting cyanide into it. The mold will spread to any tape you put in there afterwards like a virus and destroy your whole collection. So, I had to chuck it, but not before peeling the “please rewind” sticker off and applying it to a blank tape I had. Upon which I recorded The Toxic Avenger and a few other Troma movies that were on YouTube.

 This is why it was such a tragedy when my Playstation 3 died. Now how am I going to record stuff off YouTube, Netflix and Hulu by running the PS3 through a VCR with the RCA cables? I’m weird, okay…

See the back of this case? Blockbuster even cared enough to teach its customers the days of the week. And how did we all repay them?

3.    The Aristocats

This is my wife Deborah’s favorite Disney movie. I’m kinda neutral on it. It’s a charming movie. Very innocent. It’s innocence I’ve lost now. So it’s not exactly a favorite of mine, but I don’t mind watching it every once in a while. I had another copy on VHS, but then I found this copy, which is sealed and from Toys R Us. Another store that doesn’t exist anymore. Only $14.99. This tape is from 2000, looks like VHS tapes were already getting a couple bucks cheaper at that point. What will I find inside? I’ll find out eventually, next time Deborah feels like watching The Aristocats. And I’ll probably blog about it. Why not?

4.    Kung Fury

Kung Fury, on VHS? It’s more likely than you think. Kung Fury is a short independent film released on the internet in 2015, funded mainly by crowdfunding. It’s one of the most fun ways I can think of spending a half hour. We’re still waiting for a full-length sequel, since it ends on kind of a cliffhanger. A hilarious 80’s throwback action comedy film, the movie is already filmed like it’s from an aged, grainy VHS tape from 1985. But it was made long after the end of the VHS's heyday, there've been almost no VHS releases in the 2010's, so how’d I score a VHS copy? Give up?

It’s a bootleg. I printed the cover out, which someone else made, slipped it into an extra clamshell case I had, and recorded the film over a short half-hour long tape I got from the thrift store, which was previously some really short Century 21 advertisement tape or something if I recall. I recorded it using that Playstation 3 method I described earlier. Maybe I’ll print a better sticker out eventually and make it look more official.

Here, have a link. Watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS5P_LAqiVg

5.    Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

This was a rerelease of the film from 1997. The copy I had growing up was actually an older VHS release, but my sister got that copy, so I bought my own for a few cents. I didn’t buy this particular tape sealed, but someone still left some things inside the case along with the tape. We’ve got a subscription card for Sports Illustrated Kids, which I'll pass on, and….a Golden Ticket!

I’ve got a golden ticket! I’ve got a golden twinkle in my eye!

So all I’d have to do is scratch that section off with a coin, and if I win the grand prize, I could win a trip for four to the Willy Wonka Candy Factory! 1^st prize is a year’s supply of candy, which would still be pretty sweet and at least I wouldn’t starve for that year, 2^nd prize is…a t-shirt. Yay. Holy shit though, dude, I could go to the freaking Willy Wonka factory and party with the Oompa Loompas! Ooompa-Loompa doopity doo! I want to go to that room where everything’s made of candy! Just don’t touch anything, or else you’ll be maimed or killed in a cartoonish fashion, and the contract Wonka makes you sign at the beginning means you can’t sue him for it. If you screw up, “YOU GET…NOTHING! YOU LOSE!! GOOD DAY SIR!!” I might end up turned into a blueberry if I’m not careful.

Should I do it? Should I see if I won? This could make all my dreams come true. Maybe Willy Wonka was looking for someone pure-hearted to take over the factory for him. If I inherit a chocolate factory, I’ll get so rich I’m a cinch to get my books published and never have to work a crappy call center job ever again! No more getting screamed at by angry old rich people over the phone. I’ll be the big shot now! This could be the answer to all my problems!

Aww damn, according to the back of the ticket the contest ended on 2/7/97. Well there goes that faint glimmer of hope. Back to my dreary existence it is.

           

((Quick hint: If you're having trouble seeing any of these pictures, right-click and select "Open image in New Tab". That should fix it for you.))